Well, it finally got me. I was feeling rather invincible. The IT being the Great Interrupter, aka COVID-19. It spread through the entire family, younger ones being done in three days; us older folks more like 10 before we were back to normal. But amid it came great joy, a new grandson! I’ve been writing away to meet my October deadline and we will publish the book next year. Once I submit it in October, next on my list is that community platform we’ve been discussing, alongside caring for my grandson, continuing the home restoration, and any additional writing/editing that may need to be done.
As I am writing this book, I discover that as I approach 70, my engagement with getting older differs from when I turned 60. As we know, my response to that was Accidental Icon. As her, I was jet-setting around and very involved with many people on any day. These days my mission is no longer how to not be invisible but how to keep my body and brain in the best possible health they can be. I think leaving the city, connecting with nature, having way less to do with social media, and being closer to my family have all made me thrive, yet there are times I feel a little isolated. While I know folks in my new city to say hello to, I’m not seeing people often enough to have these relationships progress to friend level. Right now I am working on the chapter that addresses how important social connections are to maintaining good body and brain health. I’ve discovered in the course of my research that it takes at least 40-60 hours to form a casual friendship and 80-100 to become a friend and then over 200 hours to become a good friend. When we are older, finding friends through the channels we did before through parenting or work is no longer available. I have always been the type of person who has made friends through my work, probably why I loved social work and being a professor. My need for interaction and stimulation is why I went back to school on so many occasions. Now what I do each day, primarily writing, is a more solitary pursuit, and I am feeling the loneliness of it. “Work” is no longer a way to meet and make friends.
I’ve been lucky to have friends from my past that remain in my life, including best friends from childhood, college, and my doctoral program. None of them live that close that I can spontaneously say meet me for coffee later. I feel lonely today. I am so fortunate to have a life partner, but there is something about the company of women that meets my need for connection differently. I also have made some good friends through Instagram, who I now connect with via phone or zoom. I often feel known by the comments you leave here. But there is something about in-person contact I am craving. Living outside the city also means that people and events are not as immediate as they were then. I took it for granted that there were always people around me who would be willing and open to meeting for a drink, brainstorming, or cooking up something new. It was easy to attend events that did not mean an hour train ride to and from besides whatever subway or uber time it might mean from Grand Central. I think about doing all the things I’ve done in the past, finding another job, or going back to school, but they don’t feel right for me now. It’s time for something different and new.
I guess the question I need to determine now that my life is slower is whether I am craving companionship or stimulation. I imagine it’s a little of both. Still searching for that elusive “What now” but this time I am in no hurry.
So let’s talk about social connections; how are they found, especially when you have moved somewhere new and have retired, how many, what kinds and for what purpose, and what to do when you might feel lonely. Can’t wait to hear your experiences and wisdom.
This is timely for me as I have moved my parents closer to my family and I’m trying to figure out how to help my Mom meet new friends. My father has Alzheimer’s,so they can’t go out as a couple and meet others.i think she likes to volunteer and we will start there, as I have met many wonderful people whilst volunteering.the time to make good friends worries me, but an interesting fact. Thank you and I hope you get many wonderful suggestions!
With this group, there is no doubt!
More than any other post you have written, this one resonates with me–you took the words right out of my mouth! Lately, I’m trying to figure out what part of my unsettled emotions (my “loneliness” if you will) is related to specific events in my life, or the chemicals in my brain, or just what comes from accepting that I’m getting older. I think it bothers me that although I’m still game for new adventures and I’m always throwing myself into new projects, I don’t have that “endless” stretch of time before me that I used to revel in as a younger person. Learning to embrace my life in the moment while also recognizing that new experiences, new friends, and new accomplishments still await “out there” is the mental shift I’m trying to make.
This feeling of « not having the endless stretch of time before me that I used to revel in » resonates so much with me ! It is one of the hardest things I find about getting older, this constant realization that my life is finite, which I never consciously thought about before. Thank you for articulating it so perfectly.
Yes, somehow it adds the urgency of making everything more meaningful and count. However, this can also add undue pressure. I find here we all seem to be trying to figure out what is unknown territory and we are building the plane while flying it!
I agree that I have become more isolated from friends as I age.
However, for me, it is concurrent with the isolation of COVID. It has completely changed the way I deal with life. I am even more isolated from my immediate family, who reside in the same city as I do. As a result, I have little desire to go out and participate in things that used to occupy me: theatre, dining out, galleries etc.
Also, since I have launched a new business as an e-comm founder within the past two years, any gaps that would have existed because of lockdowns ( in Toronto, it has been rather severe) have been filled with the stimulation of work.
So, I believe it is not age ( I am 74) but the social aspects of life that have completely changed due to the changed environment.
I 100% agree!
being outgoing and open all ways works for me ..I downscaled to a regional area as well and most people are up for a chat -wherever I find myself. Developing true friendships is another story 🙂 My hobbies keep me connected ..tennis art and swimming in the local pool. I am very active politically as well Although the party I am connected with may fly in the face of reason for some of the born and bred cattle farmers here 🙂 so there is that … What I love about not having family is that I have the ability to be able to relocate wherever and whenever I choose 🙂 I love adventures and the changes they bring BTW Love your new do dear 😉
Thank you all for sharing. I’m tuning 70 soon and find myself thinking ~ perhaps too much~ about how fleeting life is ~ and all the layered, complex, magic of it all. Wishing us each more adventure , love, good health, and joy.
WoW, I didn’t realize that, that’s what was happenimg. That’s absolutely true. The only difference is I didn’t move. My friends and relatives are near but Covid made everything feel distant and isolating, and we are all still behaving that way. My partner and I have a small shop in Philly where.hold events. Those events keep me somwhat connected. I realize I have to make an effort to get to events in my area, because people are.still isolating in some way or another.
Thank you for this post and expression of what many of us are feeling.. I have been restless this year, my 4th year of retirement. The idea of going back to school or work intrigues me but at almost 70, other commitments take precedence. Your post helped me crystallize around the need for stimulation, now it is up to me to figure out just how to do that.
Yes, I think that people confuse a need for stimulation with work as many of us received stimulation from a career. I am the biggest offender in this realm.
I would love to learn more about the space where you do events, it’s one of the items on my “maybe” future activities list. I an dreaming of doing salons, maybe even in spaces that others already run, but feeling like a space of my own.
Yes indeed!
The bright side of not having a family love how you have re-framed this.
I love that you are so genuine and raw…
I find as I get older I have fewer friends and those few people are really special to me. I also find that I am infinitely more private in sharing my deepest thoughts. I retired from our business and currently work part time in a winery tasting room so I can connect with people, ask questions, listen and learn new things and stay relevant but not share much of myself. When I get lonely I walk or hike – for miles… very meditative
My husband, family and my journal know me well…
I love the solution of working part-time in something like a winery where you have some public-facing time, that is what I miss. I have been hiking in the preserve near my home and yes it takes me far away.
Hi. I know how you feel, exactly. Since March 2020, we moved out of our NYC apartment to our summer home in the Hamptons. A great alternative but so shockingly lonely. For awhile I was very productive, learning all the “pandemic” skills, creating recipes, art and making our house a home. Than I got bored. Luckily I joined the Nextdoor app. Please join it for your area. I literally met 8 women in my neighborhood through a request for walking partners. I am shocked to discover how these friendships are so much more aligned with my present “me”. Now we are splitting our time in NYC and the Hamptons. The balance works. I see City friends for dinner and theater and come out to the Hamptons and get to enjoy the beauty, fresh veggies and fish and cook in a big open kitchen. And I have walks and dinner most days with my blossoming female friendships. I wish you a fabulous journey in your new area. Oh and I’m close to 70??? How did that happen?
I can relate to your experience. I live in Australia and after a marriage break down, I moved from a rural area to the coast to be near my son and his family. I lead an interesting life with book club, art classes and extended family activities but miss my close circle of friends of more than 20 years duration. You are right, it’s easy to make surface connections but harder to form meaningful, deep connections. I am 72 and find I need to force myself to get out there to make social connections. I am happy with my own company, though and do a lot of solitary walking. I am also lucky as I am only a couple of hours from Sydney and have subsidised train travel.
I’m the same, I don’t mind being by myself but need some companionship and stimulation. It seems like finding the balance is something many of us are trying to do.
Thank you! And yes how is that 70 is soon to happen?
You certainly did ‘get me’. I was delighted to see your posting pop up. I’ve been waiting, expecting it.
Love your writing fur is style and insights. Friends and sometimes spontaneous connections have been and are an essential, enduring strength for me. They’ve taken me through tough times of grief and disappointments. iver time I’ve learned to receive as well as give. And now I’m learning about connecting with a large ex-farm dog(Milo) and the enormous, adoring company she offers.
Wonderful!
This blog rings so true to me today. I am months away from turning 70 and it feels so surreal.
What you said about meeting friends later in life is especially resonant with me.
When our daughter, who lives on the east coast with her husband, told us we were going to be grandparents, we were elated.
We always knew that when that event occurred, we would sell our house on the west coast, and move to join our daughter. We knew we wanted to be the ones to look after our grandson.
He is the light of our lives, and we are so happy to be here with him. That being said, it was very difficult to leave our life in California. Our other family members, but especially our friends. The friends that we shared so many of life’s seminal moments. We worked together, were at each other’s weddings, started families, raised our kids together. Went to each other’s kid’s graduations, and then weddings. We were the last of our little group to become grandparents, and so as we had moved away, we were unable to share the joy of seeing grandkids play together.
Now, being retired, we no longer have work colleagues, and that was the way our circle of friends started. We have some nice neighbors, but they will never really reach the level of friendship we had in California. My husband and I, along with our little family, love getting together. However, we really miss the closeness and camaraderie we had with long lived friendships.
Like you said, it can be lonely at times.
But, we would do it all again in a heartbeat, to live near our daughter, and grandson.
Yes, being a grandparent is a great gift and I am consumed with that role at the moment but I also know just like what happened when I was a mom that I need a little something more that’s just mine.
I am 73. Widow. Tying to find some type f happiness. I live in a apartment in the country. Away from the hustle and bustle. Lonely no one mingles with each other.
I was very active before my husband passed away. I can drive. I can see my grandchildren often. But still. I miss coffee with a friend etc.chuches it having social activities since Covid hit 2 years ago. Trying to find new interests. I feel your post.
So sorry for your loss. Here’s to finding new interests!
We moved to the Savannah area for my husband’s teaching job. I started to meet a few friends in our new neighborhood, but I find that going out for coffee or lunch is still difficult, they are a bit younger and work full time. However, I met someone at a temp job who was, like me, also from New York, we connected, exchanged numbers and have met for coffee and conversation for about the last 6 months. We have both hit 70 and this has been wonderful for me and I think she’d say the same thing.
When I feel lonely, I sit in my sunroom, watch and listen to the birds, pet my 2 doggies, write poetry on my observations, read books thru audible, work at maintaining my garden when its not too hot and I sew little projects. From a black girl hippie who grew up on the lower east side of NYC, I think I’m doing ok today.
Nice to get your Accidental Icon email, seems like its been a while. Blessings!
Thank you for the inspiration!
I didn’t realize how lonely I am until I read this.
Join our club!
Hi, I have “found” you on Google and immediatly connected with your ideas about friendship and work as we approach the 70′. I am 64 and pretty active: I work, exercise and study (when I can) and love to make friends and acquaintances. It’s a fact that life gets slower and althouhg I live in the heart of Rio de Janeiro, I feel a little lazy about going out sometimes.
I think you are wonderfully adapted to the “new times” and that is advantageous, besides having charming points of view about life in general. Thank you for the suggestions and the inspiration.
Happy to see you here! Yes, these are “new times” and we have a wonderful opportunity to reinvent them.
I wish I knew what to do in this new loneliness I am experiencing.
Well keep coming here, it seems a great many of us are trying to figure it out.
As a social worker teaching at Fordham, writing the second edition of a book on grief and loss, and two months away from my 70th birthday, you feel unreasonably familiar to be, considering that we’ve never met. I am still active in my work with bereaved clients, I go to conferences, lecture around the country and around the world, and am not about to stop. At least, not until like you, I am blessed with a grandchild. No plans to stop, but I will absolutely make myself available to my daughter, who hopefully will still live nearby. Love and work. That’s what keeps me going. Also very important for continued well being as we age: don’t fall down. Not falling down is key.
I’m surprised we never met during my 20 years of teaching at Fordham. I must confess I miss my students, not the other parts of full-time academia.
Hello Ms. Slater,
Although I’ve never been an Iconic Icon, in nearly 77 year’s on the Planet, I’ve hit the ‘ What’s Next Wall’ multiple times.
The only part of life that you didn’t mentioned is your Relationship to Your Creator…🫂Personally, The Trinity:
GOD-The Father
GOD-The Son, Jesus
GOD-The Holy Spirit
ALL come:
Highly Recommended in my experience 🕊️
It’s all about Relationship💕NOT RELIGION. After All:
YOU’RE ‘The Apple of God’s Eye
THEY are always waiting to Say “Hello” and more than willing to answer All Your Questions!!💃🏼
Psalm 17/8
“Protect me as the most precious part of the eye; hide me under the shadow of your wings”💕
International Standard Version
Blessings 🕊️
I know Him too.
Having relocated years ago and currently on my third year of working from home, I get it. Am listening to a podcast right now on embracing solitude. Nothing can replace good old in person connections, however, teleconferencing is a wonderful option. I would love to join a serious book group should you ever feel the desire to start one. In the meantime, I’ve found reading Philosophy classics and discussing them with my son, a PhD candidate in Philosophy at UC Riverside, to be a welcome substitute to returning to college classes and meeting new friends. That will come when I retire in the next couple of years Thanks for sharing.
Also on my “maybe” list is a book club with a twist.
Well expressed, Mary. That daily companionship is priceless.
Your article was a ‘bulls-eye’ for me in my life. I just moved from one city in Florida to a 55+ community and am missing my coastal home as I attempt to get comfy in central Florida. I don’t know anyone. I feel isolated. My husband is great, but …..
So, I started my own women’s gathering. I put out a Call on a community FB page to women interested in a deeper connection and a place to share stories and enjoy rituals and support. Right now, we have 12 women … we meet monthly. I hope this group grows and we find good friends. I know how important it is … we can feel it in our DNA … we want to Gather at the Well like our ancestors. Thank you for this article. I’m sharing it with our group.
This is fabulous, congratulations.
Thank you so much.
Wow!! Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Thankyou for putting it into words.
I’ve been struggling of late with exactly those thoughts. Clarifying and knowing someone else feels just like me gives me the motivation to embrace change.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Many of us seem to be in the same boat.
Since I move every 5-10 years, most of my social connections are through work, church, school, and volunteer work. I’m 65 and continue to attend college. My church is tied to my volunteer work and it all involves some of the nicest people I’ve ever known. And I make sure I change jobs every 5 years which has resulted in a large professional network. Related to those networks, I broke my leg and ankle this summer, had two major surgeries and am still in a wheelchair. For someone who hasn’t been sick since a bout of mono in high school, this episode took me completely by surprise. But my co-workers, school and church friends set up a calendar so that someone was with me at the hospital every day. Then they set up my home so I could navigate the place on wheels and filled the fridge with food. Someone takes me to every doctor appointment which is a real pain in the ass for them since I can’t walk. My kids are 300+ miles away and I’m a widow so this support system has been life-giving on every level. I’ll be forever grateful to all of them and will do the same for them if the occasion arises (which, for their sakes, I hope never happens). I used to read Mario Luis Small’s work on social networks and reflected on it solely as an academic exercise. But now I understand the affective aspect on a primal level. These people literally saved my life.
What an example of an engaged community and network of care, this needs to be cloned!
I understand what it is like to move to a new place and to feel lonely. There may be a lot of people in your area who would also love to have someone to talk to or to share interests with. What do you enjoy doing? Maybe you could post a notice in your local paper for people interested in starting a meet-up group, or a book club, or a dinner club, or a garden club, or maybe you could get involved with local politics.
Maybe you could be the catalyst to make good things happen in your new community.
Thank you, I’ve been pondering all of the above.
i lived in the same community over 35 years, but between work and family obligations I had little time to form connections outside of those two spheres. After retirement my children had left the state, and it was time to look at connecting within my community. Enter civic engagement! Watching what looked like a spectator sport at City Hall, blossomed into being noticed as a “regular” at the meetings. Civic observation gave way to participation through volunteerism on citizen oversight committees and board positions. I have learned new skills, formed new and different relationships around like-minded interests, and it is wrapped in gratifying community give back for all that my family and i have received over the years.
This is interesting and a good moment in this time in our history to become involved. Thank you.
I have found writing – the immersive kind – is a way to make friends with yourself. Welcome the solitude.
This is a short pithy comment – so true. Getting to know yourself and enjoying solitude is key.
Yes I’ve been a serial journaler and even more now.
This topic is very meaningful to me. I’ll turn 73 in early January 2023. So far, my health is good. My long-term friends are all over the U.S., but none are even in my state. I rarely go out into my town, where I moved a month before Covid, and I still have groceries delivered. One point is that it’s a state where people have a much-misunderstood idea about personal freedoms and don’t wear masks, get vaccinated, think home artilleries are necessary, lack social consciousness, culture, education (big into book banning), shipping people on buses around the country to dump them as a political statement, think females shouldn’t own their bodies, and so forth. I’d move in a heartbeat, but with the real estate market in such turmoil I’m better off sitting tight, I think. Money also becomes an issue along with aging. I don’t have time to waste on this kind of thing when as you say, it’s difficult and time consuming to make new friends, and of course relocating and a new home are just hard work as we go into our seventh decade. I keep busy with many projects and interests, and agree, less time spent online and with TV is better. However, I also feel isolated, and my new town is a dud in any case. An elder relative spoke to me about how, as he aged, people he knew for decades paid less and less attention to him and he was a gifted writer who knew people all over his city; I do wonder if people don’t think if they engage with elders will they be expected to help us, listen to our stories, interact with us like peers and so on. Will we become helpless or needy burdens and look to them for help that would disrupt their lives? There are two ways to look at aging (at least): one is the obvious staying healthy, vibrant, interested, active, and so forth, the other is to slowly, quietly fade away while people step away to live their own lives and we become invisible, isolated, lonely, alone and yes, in need of some help. Answers? I don’t have them. Things do change a lot during the aging process and as we progress through the various decades and stages. We seem to be breaking ground since my elders have passed away and I’m making it up as I go, and my life is significantly different from what theirs was, including those health issues. That comes with the territory of having been a Baby Boomer breaking with many traditions. What of the adults who are now being called Orphan Adults without families? We can talk all day about how cities need to make affordable communities and housing for the aging population, but talk is just air until it isn’t. On a personal level, I have in mind to perhaps move closer to at least one friend I’ve known for many years in a better state, but that’s on hold until housing settles down and hopefully becomes more normalized. In the meantime, tick tock.
So many important points made here that need a deeper look into. Thank you for making them.
Volunteering for a cause I truly believed in led to deep friendships that evolved over time. Even though none of us still are involved in that cause, we are still very involved in each other’s lives. I treasure that experience, because it led to the serendipitous friendships. This may or may not help you, but it worked for me. Cheers to enjoying your new chapter. I do enjoy the occasional blog posts.
Thanks for the suggestion. After working as a social worker for 45 years, not certain volunteering is the right fit, maybe something in the creative realm although there are many not-for-profits that do creative work.
Living in a new city far from friends and family where I work from home…we welcomed a dog into our lives! We have met more people this past year while taking him for walks than we conversed with the first three years living here.
Good wishes on getting completely well and so good to know what’s happening in your world.
We are in the process of finishing our house and selling it hopefully next spring…(I live in Hawaii) and it’s going to be a whole new way of living .. downsizing and moving to the West Coast(not Cali) and I won’t have any lady friends (I have many good friends here … but it’s not sustainable for us here anymore … and I have two new grandchildren also … although one is on the East Coast… and one in WA .. we’ll have to figure it all out there.. Aloha
Good luck with it all!
I’m in a very similar situation to Lyn’s, so, eager to read what others offer as well. I think, in this situation, that we have to be upfront about our need for a friend when we do manage to meet someone with friendship potential. I also think, at this age, that the path to friendship can be fairly speedy once we make our needs known to the right person. I sense that women today are eager to establish relationships with other women without wasting a lot of time.
Excellent point. After COVID that friendship hour data may need an update!
I understand this completely. All of my friendships are from work and I too work from home now, so no more new friends for me either. All of my good friends live in Australia and I’m in the UK so I know about sometimes feeling lonely. I have two children with me which helps. My daughter is 20 and just fabulous company and my son is only 15 and well, not much of a talker at this stage of his life. Fortunately I enjoy my own company and am very interested in intellectual pursuits. I too enjoy going back again and again to university to study new topics and I’ve been learning new languages also. Interesting point on how many hours it takes to make friends. Glad you are over the dreaded C19 and congrats on reaching level 70. X
Thank you!
It’s quite uncanny how you manage to write about similar things I am experiencing. It’s always a joy to read what you’re up to.
I retired in the summer of 2021 and turned 70 this past summer.
I also downgraded to a one acre property out in the the country.
I live alone. The isolation is real.
I’m currently working on sorting, organizing, donating years of accumulated stuff.
Having moved to Tennessee to help my military son with his kids, I also don’t have the friend network to tap into. It will all get figured out just in time for him to relocate me in 30 months.
Grateful for good health and perhaps the love of family I think.🤓
I too am in Tenn.
I am in Clarksville, TN
Life is on the move, if you figure this out it will be quite a successful story for any age!
I have always found church and volunteer opportunities great places to meet new people which so often turn into friendship!
I hear you! Without school, scouts,HS band and religious ed I am a bit lost. Actually we aged out of them all BUT we moved from SoCal to SC..quite the change in lifestyle.
I look forward to your book…a little life advice is needed.
I’ve experienced the isolation and loneliness, too. After a certain time in life, I feel it is harder to connect with people. Even co-workers became difficult to connect with because my life wasn’t about family and I am single. I feel I no longer fit in so remain on the outside. I have worked at home for 7 years now and even more isolated even though I’m in an urban area. I have people I may go talk to but no one calls me to see how I’m doing or invite me anywhere. I rarely have time anyway since the corporate world sucks the life out of me. I know it takes a lot of energy to build friendships especially when you don’t automatically see people every day and I just don’t have that energy. I barely have enough to do the few things I need to get ready for the next week and do it all over again. I keep trying to downsize my life so I have less to take care of but it isn’t just those things. I barely get to the basic needs of food and shelter accomplished these days. A vacation sounds like too much energy so I no longer travel. If I didn’t have to work, I’d be looking to volunteer at a charity I feel passionate about and hope I meet some giving people. That is a start!
Sounds like maybe the root of it is that job. Is it time for a change?
This piece resonates with me right now, as well. At 63+ I found myself out of work and am now interviewing for what should be the last chapter in my active career in emeregncy management. After another 7 or so years, I want to transition to teaching part time – maybe writing. As I contemplate what comes next, I am facing a potential move out of the large city I have been in the past 34 years – but I am having trouble imagining not having those friends and family at hand for coffees, lunch, and endless talks. And yet, the tug of a quieter, simpler life away from the urban environment has already begun and I have even thought of eventually retiring to the islands north of here. So much for only one more move in my independent life! LOL The first 2 years of COVID lockdown weren’t all that hard, as I had not been that much of a social creature outside of work. But now, I find myself craving friends and company more and more. Will that continue, or will I eventually revert back to my more introverted ways? Would a new job, new city, new home – all at once – NOW – be the best for me? Sometimes overwhelming to try and sort out. For now, just listening to the Universe and trusting it will send what I need – even if I don’t identify it as such at first. That has worked well for me to this point. Thank you for sharing your journeys and this opportunity to share ours.
Thank you for sharing. Important that we consider living slower yet having enough stimulation and connection. That’s the balance I’m searching for right now.
I retired last year and moved interstate to be closer to my daughter. I don’t have a partner and no real friends. It was always family and work colleagues for me. I have never been overly social. I’m a bit younger at 64 but wondering what do I do now? I tried joining a couple of groups but the other ladies were so old – not just in age but mindset. I am continuing with the book club. It’s hard when you have just retired as you are still young in attitude. I’m just not ready to settle into old age yet. But don’t want the stress of going back to work. No grandkids yet either. I think volunteering is a good idea.
A very important point to be made here. I too relate more to the mindset, not the chronological age. This greatly expands the ponds you may fish in!
I would say this is pretty common of a problem at our age,,even though for one I can say I’m a little younger (60) but still called OLD by anyone under the age of now 30? here in New Zealand anyway, Although I tell these people that the outer packaging my be a little wrinkled with time ,, there is a 30 year old human still busy inside this elderly body…I’ve spent alot of my life working in the fashion industry as a Full garment Machinist / embroidery Machinist from home and got used to not having people around other than my favourite people on the radio,,allowing me to sing as loud as I like,,get up from my machines for a dance wiggle when my favourite dance music allowed (Bee Gees) Since my friends have all gone(to Heaven) I have one left a school friend who lives in Sydney Australia,,3 hour flight from here in Christchurch NZ…I’m finding as you are quite lonely at times and cannot ever remember feeling this way,,I’ve tried going to places I thought I’d meet like minded people and find there is alway’s someone who I wonder why they are there,,seemingly to upset the rest of us? or am I being silly and have spent to much time on my own? other than my beloved husband of course but as you say,,we woman need company of each other as do men ..One thing which has helped me is my Husband came home with a book (we both LOVE Reading Books) written by Pastor David Jeremiah(USA), Bruce picked it up and knew he had to buy it for me and I can tell you he made the right choice,,I have nearly every book David Jeremiah has written and also watch him on the Internet too. I have not been to church since I was 8 year’s of age, that church was pulled down (road changes) .. Did Our Lord Jesus Christ Pick the right Pastor for me,,I have good patience normally get on with most people I’ve met,,but struggle if I’m bored,,I’m not disruptive but have trouble taking anything in…I could listen to this man for hours,,I thought I knew alot about the Bibles Readings but found I really didn’t understand much at all. I cannot even tell you how peaceful I feel,,I’ve been to a few churches in the past few year’s and didn’t go back,,Being our ages everything this man has told me I know to be true,,we’ve been so busy with our lives to see what is going on world wide…we’ve already lived through alot of what DavidPpreaches and I for one would ask you to have a look on David Jeremiahs Website or facebook page, I hope he makes you feel the same way I do,,I’ll find some new friends I know,,when the time is right it’ll happen for now I’m feeling so great in such difficult times for all of us I can enjoy each day for what it is and really appreciate how fortunate my husband and I are too..
As we in the UK reflect on the life of our beloved Queen this weekend, I realise how much of a role model for ageing she was. At 96 years of age she showed us how to smile through difficult times, how to “ get a grip “ on our feelings and deteriorating health. I am 80 and recognise all those disappointments following retirement or moving onto a new situation.
Taking time to recognise the need for readjustment in our expectations as friends die and life becomes more contained within our homes. At the stage I am at, I have worked , I have brought up a family, I have designed and worked on our beautiful garden and finished making our 18th century home a place of beauty for my beloved husband and myself. Horizons have diminished , everything is different, reflection is important and there is a depth in all of us which sustains our life of passage.
Beautiful words.
After a lifetime in Chicago, I retired and relocated about one month before Covid. The retirement part was a difficult adjustment and I am only now beginning to find my equilibrium, with a combination of volunteering and trying out new and different skills. The isolation of Covid was both eased and complicated by a new relationship (the reason I relocated), but I didn’t have it worse than anyone else. But relocating, at 62, and trying to make new friends, even maintain old friendships, has been incredibly difficult. It’s easy to make acquaintances. But at this age, few people make room in their lives for new friendships. I can’t say that I blame them. We are busy, have commitments, have politics, and are tired of nonsense. But loneliness is debilitating as well. I will look into the NextDoor app.
While volunteering can be fulfilling, I have to say that after being a social worker for 45 years, I don’t find that something like that would meet my need, as I have had a life full of helping family (I’m the oldest of 6) and others in my career. I feel like we need some innovative solutions to this issue of social connections. Many here have not found a good solution, let’s get creative!
Thanks for the suggestion!
Thank you Lyn for your honesty. I too just relocated, at the age of 75. We left behind 50 years in the same community and I did not realize the loneliness of starting over. People are friendly but that is not the he same as deep friendships you have made over time.
Add in that even with our best intentions, our bodies are aging and we may have to alter our expectations of what we can and can not do.
I start each day in a gratitude prayer and set an intention to be joyful in this new chapter of life.
I so enjoy your blog.
Linda; I feel very much like you do. We moved across country at 71 and into our new home the day our state closed. Its still been extremely difficult meeting people and staying engaged. About to be 74 and still can’t figure it out.
Many of us in the same boat!
Thank you and good reminder gratitude is a place to start.
Hi, Dr. Slater! When we moved to Seattle in 2015, I had no family or friends there, 4 y/o twins, a husband busy at his new job and a business I had built and left behind in Dallas. I was gutted. It wasn’t immediate, but I began to reach out to people I knew had similar interests in local groups or people I was meeting in my new life there. It was vulnerable. I started to host things myself and make a community because the social invitations weren’t pouring in. People are craving real connection now, so I bet if you start something whether it’s a book club, a gals’ coffee meet up or whatever, I bet people will be thrilled. Keep us posted. Glad you’re feeling better. xo
Thanks, those are all on my “maybe” list of new things to do.
Check out Australian Broadcasting Corporation – Old People’s Home for Teenagers on ABC iView.
Sounds so intriquing
I also retired and moved away from the city. We now belong to a sailing club as social members. I have made 3 good friends there. I knit and we have a sip and stitch night for crafters weekly. I also joined a local guild that meets monthly and a seniors walking club that meets weekly out of our community centre. I am signed up for conversational Spanish get togethers in the fall and may make further connections. I have found I have to be proactive about socializing. Hope these suggestions provide some impetus …
Thank you, they’re wonderful.
At 78 I am finding new inspiration and meaningful aka enriching friendships through learning. I live in California and we have Olli, the Osher Institute for Lifelong Leaning, After just two writing classes I am making new creative friendships. It’s about taking new risks to plunge into fields you believed would never be yours, to struggle to climb over obstacles you had long internalized were insurmountable for you. Isn’t that the reason we find Lynn Slater so inspiring ?
So lucky to have that program, and I am itching to go back to school for all of those reasons.
Fabulous photo. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Grandchildren are such a blessing. I suppose I am in denial about loneliness; either that, or I am far too preoccupied with work (I work from home) and wondering what I will do for a retirement. I guess I won’t and that will solve things. The Queen didn’t, so there’s that. I am glad you seem to be getting better from being “interrupted” in a most rude way. I really like your hourly assessment of building friendships. That’s a perspective I’ve never considered before. Happy Fall! May many blessings come to you now and over the holidays.
Yes, I have always let work take up the largest chunk of my time and now that its not, I’m having reflections I never had time for.
Your latest post struck a chord with me. My situation is complicated by caregiving responsibilities that only widen, as does the time to research potential help. This limits the time for out of home activities to meet potential friends and develop these important connections. I have not yet figured out how to make room for that. To be honest, the stats you site for making friends seem daunting!
Many aging women (and men, I’m sure) face this aging dilemma – caring for a loved one without the added help of other family and limited resources.
I am so looking forward to your book!
Yes, you are right there are so many who are in that situation you describe. I commend you for taking it on.
Hi I moved from London to Bedfordshire to a small village. It was a huge culture shock and while I made some friends when the kids were at school I found myself very lonely the past couple of years as they all went back to work and I am not. I care for my daughter who is autistic and whilst my friends social lives got busier through new work friends there were less time for the spontaneous meet ups with me. I read a lot and decided to start a book group and I posted in our village Facebook page. Now some of my old friends joined but I found new ones too and I look forward to that monthly meet up. I’ve got to read books i would never have chosen and we also plan breaks away and Christmas dos which I’ve always missed since leaving work. Maybe starting a group about something you enjoy would be good for you too.
You really have made such an important point, we need to be the one who makes something happen!
It is reassuring in a strange way to hear your thoughts and read the comments above. So much of what you say resonates deeply. I find myself searching for a ‘new’ purpose and am attempting to transition / pivot towards a meaningful and productive future rather than just filling my time , keeping busy in this latter day stage of my life…
Isn’t it, this certainly hit a chord and we are not alone.
Really interesting, I suspect Lynn that your issue is more complex than just meeting new people in a new place having shifted to work which is solitary. When we relocated to a more rural location in south west England many years ago I could have made tons of ‘friends’ if I was a person who voted conservative, went to church and was interested in the royal family (by the way folks we’re not all in deepest mourning over here in spite of what the media is telling you!).
I suspect you’re not looking for inauthentic relationships and that is the issue for me. I’m not going to quizz everyone in my yoga class about their views on the world before I have a coffee with them but that relationship isn’t going to progress even to casual friendship level if I can’t be myself with them. Those people will be there but often in rural areas they keep their heads down and can be camouflaged.
It’s harder work than when we made our friends though joint endeavour in work or campaigning or the level of social life you can sustain when you are younger.
About eight years ago I returned to professional acting after a twenty five year sabbatical in the NHS, which I loved but I needed to run away with the circus again before it was too late. I’m so happy I jumped when I did but actors have short intensive relationships with work colleagues when we are working then spend lots of time not working! So I’ve coped with this by making some casual friendships where I can often with younger people.
Lastly the reality of getting older is that we will lose our old friends. My oldest friend suddenly and unexpectedly died recently. I know I’ll never find anyone else who has known me since I was fifteen and I just have to accept that.
So I’m looking forward to hearing the next instalment of your adventures outside NYC and your forthcoming book.
Yes to all of this! I just turned 40, but with no children, I cherish my female adult friendships. My husband has watched me “online date for new friends” in our community with no avail. I make a few walking partners, but no deep connections. I have found work is my place for friendships. The women I have met through my career sustain me long after we work together. Now that Covid restrictions are relaxing a bit, I’m loving the opportunity to meet up at conferences in person.
I also decided last year that I would be the friend that went out of my way to see the people that sustain me. So I am the one to fly to a friend’s house for the weekend. The more I do it, the more I am invited. Yes, its not the same as having local friends, but it has helped me feel even more deeply connected to the friends I have. The face to face time keeps the phone calls and texts relevant.
This si such an important lesson here. We must be intentional and we must be active in finding and making connections happen.
Well, you’ve got my number, not someone who can chat about the weather or make social nice. I like a good conversation which is why I love the women who comment on my blog
Your post resonated with me. This is our ‘third act’ and for me the beginning of a new chapter following the loss of my soul mate of forty- four years. He died suddenly as we were relocating back to England after twenty years in LA. It left me stranded during Covid in a rental flat which we had only intended to be our temporary base before moving into our new home. I lost that home and my husband, my life as I knew it, my freedom and my role as his manager ( Sir Ken Robinson) Like you my next book is at the final edits stage and will be published next year. I wrote and photographed my way through the grief… my friends are scattered across two continents and none is local. I have never experienced such loneliness before and am having to reinvent myself every day. There is no going back to America and there is no staying in England … I have no sense of the shape of a future but I believe I’ve written something that will resonate and give hope and that through it the path will become clear. I think yours will too once your book is published – it will reconnect you to your creative self and open doors locally too. I wish you luck with it. You have a great platform am sure the world will find you again and life will become even richer.
So sorry for your loss! I do resonate very much with your positioning in a third space, a place of in-between. I feel very much there as well. The key is to not force something but as you suggest in time it will emerge. I can’t wait to read your book, make sure you let us know all the information about it.
Hi,
I’ve also just moved from a city to a more rural area and find it quite isolating, and necessitating a new strategy for making friends. I’ve recently retired and miss the social aspect of work and the ease of making friends with colleagues. From the adaptation to lockdowns in recent years the thought of emerging into the sunlight again to embrace new opportunities is really scary for me. I’m sure I’ll figure it out, maybe important not to apply too much pressure and let things evolve organically.
I agree, in some ways this is uncharted territory and we need the space to see what new and different strategies can emerge.
I was a full-time philosophy professor for over 20 years. It filled my days and weekends and took up all my energy…though I loved it, I never had time to really “feel” or “think” about what was happening to me day-t0-day. Now I work part-time, sporadically, and write. The experience is very much like what you (Lynn) describe in this post. My husband and I moved overseas to the country of my parents origin, and while we have more opportunity to travel, volunteer, and keep things fresh, I find myself battling feelings of isolation. On the other hand there is a new freedom; I like having the time to think and feel now (and explore areas of research and study that I couldn’t before) …but wonder if I will ever make new friends here that become close and trustworthy. I am taking time to think honestly about what I bring (or don’t) to my friendships, to see where I can improve my mode of interaction. Thanks for writing this post and helping us negotiate and accept this stage of life.
I can completely relate to your description of full-time academia! It is wonderful to write and research whatever and however you want without all the “musts”. We’ll see how this extra time may help us find different and more meaningful connections than those we find through work.
Hello! Your post resonated as did many of the comments. My husband and I live down county from you and have been in our neighborhood for 37 years, 33 of those years in an old house we love that nestles on a salt marsh. On the cusp of 70 (he will be 69, me 68) we know this is likely not the best house for us to be in 10 years from now. We are seeing close friends relocate to be near grandchildren or siblings. My gut says to move while we are able and while we are young enough to develop new friendships. Yet our siblings are here, our children and grandchildren are flights away making proximity to an international airport a must.
Tough decisions when no specific area pops out with a “move here” sign in brilliant colors. 😉 It is our friendships that most drive us…counting family in the friendship hug. With each friend that moves we feel a loss.
No easy answers, but we try to look at what comes next as a slowly unfolding adventure over which we have some input into the story arc. And we add a hearty batch of laughter and silliness. It helps. 🙂 Especially when we fold into the mix a need to be near good medical care.
I think it really helps when you have your list of must-haves for where to live: mine was close proximity to my daughter, close enough to an airport, and the culture that you get from a big city, good medical care, nature, and opportunities for outdoor life and culture of crafting and making. The Hudson Valley met the bill. We have gotten an old house but the renovations are geared towards needs we may not have now but will have later. I gave up my clawfoot tub in favor of a walk-in shower. It can actually be kind of fun to think about if you use your creativity to do so. There seems to be the idea that we should move when we retire but where did that come from and why should we?
I live in a wonderful small town just outside of Detroit, on a street where everyone waves and says hello. We even have a street Mayor who organizes block parties and gatherings at holidays. But recently, two of my neighbors found themselves in the same spot you are describing. They feel a need for connection and friendship. So, both being creative people, decided to invited several neighbors to a Life Story Telling Class. I was lucky to be invited. We meet once a week at a nearby park and go through simple, but eye opening exercises that allow us to remember our pasts and recognize that we all have so much in common. It has been simply magical for me and I’m sure the entire group.
Love this.
Thanks!
What an amazing idea!
This post has provided some much needed validation to me. Thank you.
At 54, and no stranger to relocating, this one has sucked my spirit right out of me. My husband’s transfer from NY to FL this year has left me feeling awkward, uncomfortable, confused, and for the first time in may life, alone. My dearest friendships over the course of my adult life have all sprouted so organically and now I feel like I need a handbook on how to say ‘hello’. I’ve been told I’m a great listener, and I think I am, but now I need someone to listen to me. If only for the time it takes to reach the bottom of your cup of coffee. I’m going to continue to search for my tribe and try to embrace this sticky period. And I’ll use this to bring back my shine, but know this will take some time. Patience.
Indeed and clearly you are not in it alone.
Patience and problem-solving!
Thank you Lyn for this very mindful note to all of us. We moved across country, on my 71st birthday, and moved into our home the day our state closed. Its been extremely difficult to find friends; partially due to our ages (living in a young community) and covid keeping everyone distant for far too long. I try to stay engaged with my walks, yoga at home and traveling to see my family in the NE part of the US. But I feel terribly lonely and I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m reluctantly slowing down and I don’t like how this feels. I keep re-reading your note to us. I’ve reached out to people on the next door app and some of our neighborhood FB groups, but no real, true friendships have formed.
As I read your blog, I find myself learning from your outcomes. I can relate to some degree, but have my own circumstances. Your words tend to motivate me into a train of thought that makes me prepare for my next chapter. I am now 58-years and about to turn 59-years in February. As I look at my chapters, they tend to evolve over ten-year periods of time. I am still employed, and even though I am preparing for retirement, I still enjoy going to work and participating in my day-to-day obligations. My background in software engineering/development/programming allows me to explore web-based outreach, and on a day-to-day basis, I manage health department website that yes, gives me joy. Over the last few years, my quest to engineer a social media platform has been very active, and with the correct outline, I could see myself having the ability to write a platform as you described in your previous blog-post. I find myself in a constant back and forth within my mind moving in one direction this week and another direction as the weeks evolve. As I evaluate my ongoing back and forth, I blame it on not being able to allocate enough time to devote enough of myself to motivating myself into a complexity packed direction (motivation and direction is what I need). I sense you have similar issues but this is because your brain and possibly my brain moves in a constant (who, what, where, when) way of though. I have to say, it was two days ago I said to myself, “I wonder when the next Accidental Icon blog will be posting?” and this morning (over coffee) it couldn’t have come at a better time…
Thank you so much! I hope you design that platform soon! Actually how about an app? I’m so tired of all the noise, control, and interruption from Instagram. Get that motivation and direction going. And yes you get me, always have more ideas than I can feasibly implemnent.
Reading this I can fully empathize with your situation, but I can conclude from this that you are gradually adapting the new way of living to your personal needs.
Indeed, the last few years have been a total turning point in our existence, it was adapting to put aside the isolation, social contacts and needs that we need. But I learned a lot and turned the whole situation into something positive, the inner and spiritual have given me a whole new outlook on life and the person I used to be with quite a flamboyant life has gradually been pushed into the background. Do I want it back??? No, friendships that were so important and that I thought were such a priority in my life have just remained fleeting memories and that makes some sense, no more obligations and for me now just doing what I feel like is the most important !
The strange thing about this story is… me who has always loved the city for shopping, having lunch with friends and so on hate getting all that hassle, I miss the cosiness, the buzz of the city (Antwerp Belgium) which has gradually become a place of crime and people no longer make the effort to keep the city clean, litter everywhere, empty shops that are rotting away, people who no longer make the effort to just show themselves properly …..I hate that and don’t feel the need to participate in it anymore, I’m just open to museums and exhibitions.
I usually make new contacts when we travel, just exchanging experiences and enjoying the environment without obligations or whatever and it feels good.
In the end I can now say that I am happy the most important thing is taking good care of myself and taking time for myself and my husband, our daughter and the two grandchildren will complete the rest when we go to visit them in Switzerland!
Many greetings Lyn and thank you for forwarding your interesting blog
This could almost be my twin story except substitute New York City! Family having more of a priority too.
Thank you for sharing your insight on these issues that find us as we age and move into the different stages of life.
It is encouraging to know that we are not alone and that even icons struggle with issues of loneliness and changing friendships.
Your candour is both insightful and truly appreciated.
I’ve always been just an ordinary person who somehow feel into an iconic moment!
I will be married for 52 years this Dec. We moved to the country immediately and I have struggled with the social isolation off and on ever since. I have few friends here…my true pals are ones from earliest school days, they know me best. I find that the older I get the more I enjoy my solitude. I have come to appreciate living in a rural area because it has taught me to enjoy nature, appreciate the seasons more fully and get to know myself on a much deeper level. I feel fortunate to have survived two cancers and the death of my only son at age 10…not sure I could have coped as well had I lived in the city and been distracted by a lot of socializing…discovering how much of an introvert I am has been a true blessing.
So sorry for your loss, can’t imagine losing a child. I have found a huge amount of life lessons and getting things put into perspective through watching nature since we have moved and again I think it’s how you are experiencing being alone. To many of us, including me who am also somewhat of an introvert, it does not feel lonely when we are alone. We can feel lonely in the presence of others too
I get so much dross in my inbox (must clean that up) it is such a genuinely great moment to see a post from you Lyn. I remember coming upon your blog a few years ago, when I was soon to turn 60, and was obsessing about my body and my sense I was falling apart…and also feeling both admiring and somewhat troubled at your capacity to care for your self. I felt bad that I could not do that. And then, I think, your mother died. And you went away and came back, changed, I think, if it is not presumptuous of me. I love what you wrote today. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago. The outlook is very good …early..no nodes…but I am no longer who I was. I have felt profoundly alone, and taking stock of how, despite husband and children, I feel so utterly singular sometimes. Are we simply turning ourselves slowly (like a giant sea liner) to a different direction, which means facing inevitably, death? I hope I am not too bleak here. It is not my intention. I think I need this turning. And I will be different for it. Best to all.
I comppletely understand. Witnessing my mother’s decline and death made me see the difference between aging and dying. We are fearful of aging I think because we conflate them. I know the dying will happen, I’ve seen what that looks like, and now I have to make my aging everything it can possibly be. There are times like in nature we must hibernate and if you understand death, you understand how we are natural beings like all other creatures. I’ve found a good deal of wisdom watching these cylcles in our new life outside the city.
Being an artist has always been a solitary lifestyle but included many invitations into the art world. After relocating to a much smaller town I decided to go big. By big I mean I started an art business using an entirely new media. I am in the one of a kind fashion creating business specifically for women of a certain age. I bought a warehouse, converted it to a workspace and store. By opening just 9 days per year I can draw the perfect containment lines around who, what and how demanding it all can be. I still sift through folks to pick the ones that I can love and be loved by. Now In my mid 70s most of my friends are younger and talking about current goings on in the world. I love it all.
Wow I love this way of thinking about having a business that is manageable, would love to hear much more about it!
In-person, one on one, human conversation is the thing I live for but often don’t get in my life. Like you, I moved when I retired. Covid + being older has changed my interactions with people.
I teach an exercise class at my senior center in Portsmouth NH and have gotten better acquainted with some of the ladies. It gets me out for brief, forced socialization. Sometimes we have deeper connections in class and sometimes it’s weird.
My close relationships mean so much now! I have a friend that I zoom with every week. We fell into the habit during Covid and have been keeping it up. Another friend on the west coast just called to suggest that we plan an adventure to celebrate our turning 70. These are women who’ve been in my life for over 50 years. We share comfort and intimacy in ways I don’t think I could find again.
But, I keep trying. I cherish long phone calls with family and friends. Also, considering another move to live in the same city as my sisters.
You’re making me thing about how to celebrate turning 70 next June!
First, congratulations on the birth of your grandson!
Your post lit up my entire being. I have been experiencing the same emotional ups & downs this past year. I turned 71 & realized that what’s to be discovered & enjoyed has a bit more of an expiration date.
Having back surgery in January led to an unexpected long recovery. It allowed me to find out where I want to focus my time on & just to reach out & savor what I can.
Spending time with my teen age grandsons is very interesting, maddening & also leads me to wonder where their future will lead them. Their world is immediate and loud.
I miss the daily conversations & friendship from coworkers. Luckily, I have very close friends that I have been connecting with late this summer. My world is opening up again as my healing has now allowed me the ability to meet up for conversations, coffee & joy. I know how fortunate I am to have these women in my life.
Thank you for this post. It hit home for me.
Thank you! It seems that the ups and downs and how to negotiate them are very much the task at this time of life. But when you think about it, it’s a task at any time of life! We probably have many of the skills and tools from past experience to do this right
My husband and I moved to a 55 and up active lifestyle community in 2021 down south from the mid west. We are both scocial. open and engaging people. This community has brought us new friendships as everyone moved here from somewhere else and seek new friends and relationships as we do. Living in sunshine with all of these new friends has been a breath of fresh air and excitement for us. Yoga, pool time, music and art activities fill our days not to mention golfing. At 70 and 75 we hope to maintain our bodies and brains as long as possible. Hopefully keeping active and growing friendships will afford this possibility. I do miss my old friends from work and the ones I made through our children, yoga friends and neighbors, but I keep in touch with them too. Life is an ever changing mystery to unfold. I love reading your posts because they make me ponder my situation. Thank you for that !
Bodies and brains healthy and functioning, that seems to be how I make many decisions these days.
I moved to a new cit 3 years ago, right before the work shut down. That was isolating and without a job, the only person I had was my husband. We became closer and more tolerant of each other. Now things are back to normal but I still don’t have a job. I began volunteering and have made some great connections, well on their way to being friends.
I have to say the same happened with me and Calvin, our relationship became more central to all the other activities we both have done.
I am 64 and retired 3 years ago to a new location where we didn’t know anyone. Fortunately, my husband and I love our new home. We made the right decision not to retire where we lived before with too many people, too much traffic and hot weather. Shortly after moving, Covid hit and like everyone else, we were limited in what we could do. We still haven’t met anyone who we could call friends. We don’t work and don’t have a social connection. We have each other and that’s enough for now. We have time to explore more deeply the activities that we each enjoy (I’m a potter and my husband is a woodworker)/ We’re introverts and rather solitary people, so it may be easier for us than others. I’m so happy to be retired and finally have time for the things I have longed to do all my working career. I still have my best friend in our former city and it’s hard to maintain the relationship long-distance, but we try.
Exploring other parts of ourselves and delving in deeply is one of the joys of being retired. Needlework with a modern twist is calling my name right now.
Such a gift to hear from you! And what you feel about getting old is what some of us go through, hitting 70. I am over 75 now and trying to find the right path leading to serenity and well-being. I am still – as you are – very active, still “working” as an Image&Strategy Consultant for a major entertainment company, living between Montreal, Paris, and Barcelona. I am traveling quite a lot, for pleasure matters, and visiting some countries and places with a more mature approach. Seeing Venise with a new approach is a great experience. Speaking foreign languages as well is a good way to expand one’s horizons as it comes with a different culture and way of dealing with feelings and daily matters. Eat, Love, Pray. And be thankful for what you have, but mostly for what you don’t have! As Bette Davis was saying, “growing old is not for sissies.” We know now how true this quip was! Thank you for sharing with us.
Such an inspiring life. The travel bug is hitting me again, this time for purely inspirational purposes not for business though I realize it can be both as you beautifully illustrate.
Thank you so much for talking through your experiences “out loud”. As a social worker myself, we learn to think about ourselves and others in terms of uniqueness. And with that in mind, it doesn’t make sense to tell someone else what to do, because there’s only one of you and there’s only one of me. Where we are in our lives, whether in our 70’s or not, is always an opportunity for discovery, and the discovery is part of this adventure called life. I love this quotation from the movie Hugo: Isabelle: “Are you sure about this? We could get into trouble.”
Hugo: “That’s how you know it’s an adventure!” I’m wishing you all kinds of good trouble on your adventure.
Words that sing to me!
Dear Lyn- as you write, your words make me feel known- to myself first and foremost -so thank you. I’m about a half step behind you at 64. With both parents gone and kids launched, I’m in my eatpraylove moment and exploring the world as my oyster finally. Let us know when the book tour starts. We’d like to host and promote you here in Minneapolis when the time approaches. Be well and best wishes with your upcoming deadline!!
Thank you! I would love that!
Well said and your points echo in my life today. We also moved to a small town and leaving big and busy behind. A reinvention is in the works and that currently takes most of my time. Along with travel of course 😄.
Eager to travel again, this time not for business!
I have found being involved with dogs is just like being at the school gate. Get a dog, walk every day, go to the dog parks. Instantly you have something in common with other dog people. I now have a regular walking group, friends to do things with, group dinners with partners – all because I have a dog – who of course is also a wonderful addition to my life.
This post hit home. I have lived in the same community for almost 40 years, but I am feeling lonely. Most of the volunteer opportunities I enjoyed after retirement, disappeared during the pandemic. Many groups are only now accepting volunteers again. Unfortunately as we age, health issues rear their ugly heads. It can be as simple as friends who no longer drive at night to more serious issues. During the past couple of years my husband has had a heart attack, serious infection and rehabilitation from a serious operation. That has affected our relationship and our ability to go out and do things. My best friend and my cousin’s husband passed away. So I’ve been doing some serious thinking about how I want to spend the rest of my life, how to make new friends and reconnect with the community.
You articulate the reality and challenges so well. Maybe being successful is adapting to all of those changes in ways that allow us to have a meaningful life.
I find it hard to express exactly how to thank you for who you are. Most every post resonates so much with me, and this one even more so. In Los Angeles, all you have to do is move to the other side of town to have geography upset long friendships. At 74, sans grand children… Which seems to be the main conversation amongst women my age, I don’t have a whole lot to say. And my creative endeavors, which are many, tend to be on my own. Clearly, I don’t know the answer to the loneliness and/or friendship issues. Covid did bring old friendships back to light and those were wonderful , mostly over zoom. But current friendships more or less disappeared with our fear of getting together in real life. I don’t understand how you put or quoted hours into friendship. I have made good friends in far shorter time and possibly it took that long or longer to realize that some who I thought were good friends were not. It’s all too difficult to define definitively. Oh my, sorry for the ramble!
No rambling at all just a series of very interesting thoughts.
I’ve never felt a lack of people who I considered friends to hang you with, just maybe feel occasional guilt for not taking the time some of them may want me to take due to my schedule. I work full time now and feel I waste a lot of time vedging, thus I seem to postpone a lot of projects. Having my regular church friends has been a big help to me.
I too adore the company of women! And I too used to make lot of my friends through work. I now work remotely for a company that’s 3 time zones away, and it’s harder to make friends than it was when at least half of the people I worked with were local and we shared an office. I so miss the camaraderie!
It definitely takes a bit more effort to meet up now with people than in the before times, when a lot more seemed to happen organically. I think now it’s being intentional about meeting up with friends, old and new.
Intentional is the key word here.
real friends need timing and chance like love, feeling occasional isolation and loneliness is unavoidable for creative person like you. Luckily you have a wonderful partner, before the potential friendship emerge, i think the best for you is still to accept loneliness accompanying ageing, immerse yourself into reading, writing, enjoying family and house restoration. some of us are gifted in something, i think you are born to influence people, either through your teaching or dressing. I would like you to continue teaching in a nearby school or something institution, and maybe have lectures in a coffee house or library room. that would sure attract like-minded people among them might be future lifelong friends. last, i really want to thank your blog and those leaving comments, all of you are inspiring, prompting me to think seriously about life and what i should do with the rest of my life without too much pity. i am 50 and it is not late yet. looking forward to the book and best wishes.
Thank you for these suggestions. You really got me I think, I miss teaching so much. You’ve given me, as all of the incredible women who participate here, much food for thought.
You have put into words alot that I have been feeling. We too left a more urban life for a small town and being in our 60’s are not as social as in our last two decades. I didn’t realize maybe it’s our own fault for embracing the slow down of this rural area and not trying to connect more with people. I thought maybe I was experiencing depression but reading your words has made me think. I miss my long time friends and drop by neighbors. I will try to meet new people and to nurture new relationships thank you for sharing your life with us.
You raise another interesting question, how to embrace slow living as many of us have, while remaining stimulated and connected. It’s an in-between place that we have to write a narrative for, let’s write it here!
Like so many others I find myself lighten up when your email appears and know that I will have some thought provoking issues to relate to.
We moved from the city to a small town 9 years ago. At 69 I was still enjoying Body Therapy work and though I only had a small client base, I was still involved with professional development courses meeting up with others plus discussion groups. When I eventually stopped at 73 this was when I really felt that lack of stimulation and also a loss of something in myself – I was no longer “identified” with my profession and it was like I was fading. I had joined a book club, a singing group an art class but though there is a friendliness with the people I could not find that connection that I had so enjoyed with past friends. I think Maureen C. from England hit the nail on the head when she described authentic relationships – being able to “be yourself” But on reflection I had had a close connection with my friends for 26 years. We had all emigrated from England to NZ in the 70’s.The happy and very sad times were all melded together in an acceptance of each other. How could I find this again at 78 years of age?
I do get a sense of connection listening to intelligent and often humorous women discussing issues – my latest has been the ex Prime Minister of the Republic of Ireland Mary McAleese and a small video worth watching “Green Renaissance Now You are Free Its not about Ageing its abut Living”
Thank you Lyn for giving us this opportunity to share.
Thanks for the suggestion about the video. It seems that the decade of 70’s is a time of real change and reflection for many of us here.
Well, you sure did get me! I’m a 4th generation NYer and moved, by myself, without a car, from The City to a small New England town 6 years ago. I wanted a break from city pressure. I wanted a much larger space for painting. Check, check! I had no idea how different, how isolating life would be in a small town. Before Covid, before so many of the small galleries closed, art provided wonderful connections for me. I’m a self-employed Holistic coach, and work virtually, so do not have a connection to work here. But I’m determined to open up my life. So, next month, I’m embarking on a new wing to my coaching biz involving personal styling & fashion. I’ll be taking on-line classes, and then expect to travel to NYC and elsewhere regularly to work w/clients. I’m hungry for those in-person and more personal connections. Glad you’re recovered, Lyn! Love your writing and insights. BTW: have you read the book, Women in Clothes? Fantastic!
Congrats on the new direction, and yes I’ve read that book, it is wonderful.
My husband and I tried living in the southwest – a Del Webb community to be exact – after he retired (thus I retired earlier than I wanted). Coming from a more southern upbringing I did not feel the friendliness there as we were accustomed. We moved back to the southeast to a place we had lived when he was working, and we moved more often than I cared for. THAT being said – coming back was different and a friend suggested we may like taking classes at a local college – University of Alabama Huntsville. It is the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, lovingly called OLLI @ UAH. There are such a variety of courses, and the socializing is an added bonus. I have since learned to hone my almost non-existent knitting skills, try my hand at drawing, tai chi, a couple of foreign languages, art history, and am now taking up the challenge of Bridge. My husband loves the history classes and is also learning Bridge. We have traveled with a group of like-minded wanderers and made such friendships we would otherwise never met. We both volunteer to keep this viable so that others in our situation can reap the benefits of the camaraderie of keeping our minds and bodies active and engaged. I highly suggest looking to see if there is one of the 125 across the country close to anyone who wants this sort of engagement of mind, body & spirit. Several of us have done a wine camp together, a beer class and there are even ballroom dancing classes offered. Author chats, cooking, mixed drinks classes, local tours and hikes and gardening classes also are widely anticipated. It has made such a difference in what we thought our quiet retirement might be. Thanks to Bernard Osher who is well into his 90’s for supporting such a unique experience for mature adults who want to continue to have a PURPOSE and to show we are not done on this earth. Thank you for the enlightening posts – I always look forward to them.
great suggestion!
Thanks!
This sounds like heaven! It’s also in a school my all-time happy place!
Like many others, I appreciate your postings. Since my retirement I have become increasingly interested in the subject of aging and the developmental work necessary to evolve to our most complete self. Adult developmental theorist Robert Kegan defines stages that speak to the kind of changes many of us are experiencing and yet do not quite know how to articulate. I work with life story and facilitate groups where we put meaning to the lived life and identify what we still want for the next iteration of self. Although the social sciences have not caught up yet, there seems to be definite changes between the young-old (60’s early 70’s), the middle-old (mid-70’s- 80-s) and the old-old. As you say, where you were in your sixties is no longer where you are in your seventies. This makes sense as we layer our story and continue to expand. One way I am finding connection and fulfillment is working with other elders as part of the Elders Action Network (www.eldersaction.net) where the focus is on social justice, governance and climate issues. We are trying to build a social movement of peers willing to commit to impacting the critical issues of our time, wanting to change the current understanding of aging and being the Good Ancestor.
Thank you for this suggestion, I am going to explore. You are so right, there has not been much writing in either the academic or popular literature about the nuances of “being old” and the dynamic and ever-changing possibilities and challenges. Since many of the people who participate on my blog and Instagram tell me I often say what they are unable to, Kegan’s words hold true. Thank you your comment has really made me start to think about possibilities.
Lyn
I’m so delighted that you made exactly how I feel explicit in this piece. It does take a long time to make old friends; it takes effort and time to make new friends. I believe (and the research backs this up) that women need a sisterhood of people they can drop in on. In person. Feeling the real vibes of emotion and the timbre of shared laughter.
When I stopped my corporate working life I really missed that informal spontaneous connection. Thanks to Covid, a physical move to another town, and starting a new business with my daughter I definitely have lonely days.
I have been know to drive to central Illinois (10 hrs and a border crossing) to have a catch up in person with a couple of super women. If you are up for coffee, its a shorter drive to pick up your tab.
I love the sensitivity with which you embrace philosophically complex themes. Thank you as always.
Thank you for your kind words!
Based on your thoughtful and honest post and similarly thoughtful and honest reactions, have you ever thought about organizing something along the lines of a 60+ weekend retreat? FYI I have excellent organizational skills to contribute thanks to a decades long corporate career (now in the rear view mirror). Seriously. Grateful to everyone that has contributed.
This is a very interesting idea. I find myself changing a great deal as I approach my 70th birthday. I see this decade as being very different than most of my 60s. I now see why May Sarton wrote hournals for each decade. So I am thinking about when my book is released and even before, ways to make spaces for women like myself to explore what each new decade may bring.
I’m 27 and have just gotten married and started my career. While it may seem that younger people are struggling with isolation, many of us aren’t. We make plans via social media and get together in person. I’m not sure how many septuagenarians are using this, but I recommend the app Bumble BFF to find like-minded people in your area. It’s a great way to start a conversation with a stranger and eventually hang out in person. I know folks who also use Discord. They join a channel based on a shared interest and often have regular in-person meetups.
Personally, I see friends across the country via Zoom or Discord and play video games or Dungeons & Dragons with them. I will say this though. As someone on the autism spectrum, being around other people exhausts me. I know being social is essential as a human being, so I’m worried about how I’ll fare when I’m older. I don’t plan on having any children, and my husband says he worries about me not having friends. I have all these wonderful resources to make and maintain friendships, but I really don’t have the energy to keep up. I doubt I’ll have the energy if I’m lucky enough to be 70. I hope you’ll find the answer. Cheers!
Thank you for giving us such wonderful suggestions. I think one of the things to strive for is a balance of digital and IRL interactions. I myself do not have a very large amount of friends in my real life. I prefer an afternoon with one good friend over coffee where we talk for hours. This is much more my thing than going out with a crowd. Balance I think is what to strive for.
EXACTLY!
YOU NAILED IT……….
I FOUND WONDERFUL FRIENDS THROUGH MY BLOG AND INSTAGRAM!SOME CLOSE BY OTHERS I WILL NEVER MEET BUT THATS OKAY.I LOVE TO CHAT ON THE TELEPHONE AND REACH OUT ESPECIALLY TO THE OLDER WOMEN WHO ARE SINGLE………….
I CAN RELATE TO THE LONELINESS BIT ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE A HUSBAND OF 37 YEARS HE WORKS CONSTANTLY!AS HE IS NOT A SITTER LIKE ME……….
I ALSO HAVE BEEN SICK FOR MANY MANY YEARS DIDNOT GET A DIAGNOSIS UNTIL LAST YEAR AND THE MEDS ARE STILL NOT WORKING!BETTER BUT NOT THERE YET!
I HAVE STARTED THE CLEAN OUT AS I REALIZE MY SONS WILL NOT WANT MY CRAP……..OLD/ANTIQUE/SENTIMENTAL FAMILY STUFF.THAT HAS HURT A LOT……….
LETS JUST SAY THE LAST DECADE WASNOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED IN A MILLION YEARS!
I’M READY TO GO NOW WITH THE WAY OF THE WORLD………….
COVID KEPT ME HOME BUT I AM A CANCER SO I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT!NOW THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO AS ALL MY OLD HAUNTS ARE CLOSED OR GONE…….
I NEED NOTHING!NO CLOTHING.NO MORE STUFF SO TAKE THAT OUT OF THE EQUATION AND THAT LEAVES NOT MUCH ELSE.EXCEPT THE ANIMALS WHO BRING GREAT JOY!
THE PIG THE DOG AND THE CAT.HAD TO GIVE THE CHICKENS AWAY DUE TO MAC A LUNG DISEASE ONE OF THE THREE CHALLENGES I HAVE TO LIVE WITH.
I REALIZED JUST YESTERDAY I AM STARVED FOR INTERACTION……..AND THE ONLY PLACE I GET THAT IS THE GROCERY STORE!
to contessa,
I too am emerging from a 12 yr battle with lyme and co-infections that went undiagnosed for years, even Mayo then we rolled into the pandemic and the entire working world changed. Plus i am now turning 63 and my clothes and some friendships need an overhaul. Some friends have left but there are other new ones now I feel much closer to. Except none of them are local, all internet friends. i see my mother slipping at 83 and i wonder how to make the most of the hopefully good last 15 yrs. My husband has had cancer but he’s clear at the moment. He too has let the style thing slide during pandemic. its all overwhelming. And we are still stuck in chicago as we have a 32 yrs son with mental health issues getting a phd so we can’t leave
I hope now that you have a diagnosis you can move forward!
Boy, you hit the nail on the head. I used to know so many people at work. Now I’m retired almost 10 years and poof, gone. I keep up with a few, also retired. I’ve gone the women’s club route. The neighbor route. In California, are you kidding? My stitching meetup went to Zoom and no longer fulfilled my need to get out of the house. Need to get more social with my interests, but Covid is still keeping me home. This is a two pronged problem. I’m hopeful Covid will finally be manageable and I can freely enjoy my old pleasures like movies, theater and travel, in my advanced years.
Let’s keep talking about this and see it as a new adventure.
At 71, I am ready to get out of the Covid isolation, like so many others. Garden Club has started meeting in person again, and I am looking into more volunteer opportunities. When things aren’t quite right in our lives, we look for solutions. Not many things turn out like we really long to have them do at our age, but I believe there will soon be more opportunities headed your way.
Have fun with it!
Since I “retired” several years ago, I’ve found that engaging with others in a different way has been my avenue to companionship. Instead of leading or sharing studies, I volunteer for a couple organizations that inspire my passion. There are plentiful “behind the scenes” activities that need help or collective engagement. Participation provides both an answer to needing a purpose in life as well as engagement with people who share your values. It’s a flexible version of work and quite fulfilling.
That’s an interesting thought, I would love to explore it more.